This Is SO Not A Diary
by paigeandtiger
Summary: Poor Jane is being forced to keep a diary. Have fun reading about Aro's attempt to sing, anger management class, and lots more about the crazy everyday life as a member of the Volturi.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first fanfiction so I thought I'd start with something funny. Hope you like it!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and hope that Aro gets his shower fixed.**

Dear Whatever,

This is NOT a diary. I wouldn't be writing in this stupid thing if not for Aro telling me I need to "express my feelings." How I would have loved to burn him. But no, I'm just a member of the guard. At least I don't have to wait on Aro's hands and feet like the bodyguards do. Those ones are really stupid. I asked one of them if they had seen my eye drops, the ones that let me be really intimidating by making my eyes BRIGHT red instead of just dull crimson, and the stupid Barbies started giggling and talking about how Adrienne's cousin just got purple contacts or some nonsense like that. How I hate them. Anyway, I hear Aro calling me. He probably has some poor soul that was hunting after 6 am or something like that and he wants me to interrogate whoever it is. Guess that I'd better go. Shut UP, Caius, I heard you all the first ten times.

This is NOT a diary,

Jane Volturi

Personal Status: VERY annoyed and ready to burn someone.


	2. Entry 2: Aro is a Horrible Singer

**I'm not going to bug you all with all the "Please, PLEASE review!" junk, but I would really appreciate any constructive criticism or advice.**

Dear Whatever the heck this thing is,

I can not rest at ALL today, thanks to Aro finally deciding to take a shower. That would actually be a good thing, if he had paid the bill for CLEAN water sometime in the last nine hundred years. as it is in our castle, taking a "shower" means getting covered in sewage from the lovely PVC pipeline that Alec put in last year. He found some old plastic piping in a Dumpster and used it with a hose or something to bring sewer water up from the sewer under the castle. On top of the horrendous smell, Aro likes to sing. Let me tell you this, Aro is the Worst. Singer. Ever. I'm going to go outside. I can't take much more of this. What is he even attempting to sing, anyway? I listen to a lot of music and can identify most songs, but this just sounds like shrieking. I need to get the horrible frog sounds out of my head. Arrgghh!

Goodbye whatever this thing is,

Jane Volturi

Personal Status: immortal eardrums about to burst, sewage stench in my nose, going to go insane very soon


	3. Entry 3: Perry The Vampire Horse

**Is anyone sane in the Volturi coven? Have fun with Perry the Vampire Horse!**

Dear Book-thingy,

I think that Demetri has gone off the deep end. Since he's the tracker, I know he runs a lot, but _this?_ You won't believe it. So Demetri like, found a laptop somewhere, went on Craigslist, and bought some _horse_ that somebody was selling. That's bad enough, but then he had the marvelous idea to _change_ the horse. So now, we have Perry the Vampire Horse in one of the empty rooms downstairs. Demetri thinks he can train it and ride it around at vampire speed on tracking missions. Worst idea ever. Anyway, now I'm stuck trying to get _Perry_ out of Marcus's chambers. I haven't seen the old codger alert for the last hundred and ninety-five years, but this really woke him up. It was so funny! He jumped up on the bench and started screaming like the horse was a rat or something. To the best of my knowledge, Demetri's animal is still in there. I'd better go and try to get it out again.

Bye for now, book-thingy,

Jane Volturi

Personal Status: Still laughing at the memory of Marcus jumping up and down on a bench screaming.


	4. Chapter 4

**It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, Jane is back! And what will happen to Perry? Hmmmmmm...**

Dear Darned Book Of Bound Paper,

Well, I finally lost my temper today when Demetri let his horse into my bedroom. I honestly didn't mean to burn Aro! I thought it was Demetri, but it turned out to be Master Aro coming to see what all the commotion was about, and, yeah, I lost it. So, now Demetri had to build a stable so Perry would stop running loose in the castle, and I am being forced to start attending anger management classes. Even worse, my therapist is Carlisle Cullen, the creepy yellow-eyed guy that lived with us for a while two hundred years ago. He got special status in the Volturi since he was best friends with Master Aro, and now I have to call him "Master," too!

ARRRRRGGGHHH,

Jane Volturi

Personal Status: KILL EVERYTHING


End file.
